Monday, October 22, 2007

formula for success

well, the day i have felt looming for the last 2 weeks has finally come. bug finally needed a bottle of formula. between traveling, being sick, not sleeping, and pump desensitization, i can't keep up with her nutritional demands.

last week i thought it was going to end up being a cold turkey switch. i had kisu pick up the formula early in the week. i felt like i had nothing. i was very emotional and frustrated about the whole situation. i debated whether to even bother taking my pump to the football game.

but behind the bitterness, there was a hint of relief. a thought that finally i can stop dragging the machine around like a ball and chain. stop taking breaks during the work day to struggle and squeeze out a few ounces. (i feel like pumping is a full-time job in itself.) start going back to the gym during lunch and get rid of this baby weight (of which i have lost NONE since coming home from the hospital).

along with the relief came just as quickly the concern about affording formula. even though kisu has a new job, we have a lot of things to catch up on. we're not exactly on easy street just yet.

and of course, the guilt. even though i dithered about how long i wanted to breastfeed early on, i never really imagined the day i would stop. i felt (and still do, to an extent) that i should give bug the same benefits as i gave pooka. pooka started formula supplementation pretty early, but continued to nurse all the way until her first birthday. i joked that if i could do exclusive with bug for 6 months, that would be equivalent to what pooka got. but faced now with the reality of weaning, i feel like it's not enough.

i used up the last of my frozen inventory during the week, and then because of the therapy visit wednesday and staying home for the fever on thursday, we didn't have to use the formula until friday. kisu tried to mix formula into a breastmilk bottle to help her transition flavor-wise, but ended up spilling the breastmilk (GASP! dagger to the heart) and she took a formla only bottle, anyway. she had no problems with it. she even had two formula bottles yesterday while i was at the game.

you know what? i'm okay with it. i am still going to try like the dickens to bottle my milk, but i won't feel like a failure.