Sunday, February 4, 2007

'i hope you have kids just like you'

ouch. this morning, pooka and i sat down to eat while kisu was in the shower. pooka wanted to get up and get daddy his drink. i told her that daddy would get it when he got out of the shower. then i asked her why she wants to help daddy so much, but when i ask her for help, she refuses. she said because "daddy is more important to me. he likes me so i like him more than i like you."
stunned. i sat there like a statue. she's only 5, but i believe that she understands what she just said and understands at least some of the effects it had. i finally managed to ask her if she thought i didn't like her. she said yes. that hurt even worse. i finished my breakfast with tears in my eyes and left while she was still eating. i went into the bathroom and told kisu what happened. he tried to comfort me and reassured me that i am an excellent mother, but that i have been a bit grumpy with her lately. (he had the sense of self-preservation to acknowledge that the grumpiness was probably due to my hormones.) pooka finally finished her breakfast and decided to get in the shower with me. i gave her a big hug and told her that i love her and that she should never forget that. afterwards, she handed me my towel and said that she did that so that i would think she liked me again. nice move, but you shouldn't explain your motivations like that. kisu later tried to patch us up by claiming i did something that he had actually done that she really appreciated (while she was sleeping).
it would be really easy to chalk this up to a young mind that doesn't understand what it's saying, but she does too many other things well and understands too many other complex concepts to really explain this away.
it would also be really easy to attribute this episode to her way of expressing feelings about the baby. perhaps she doesn't realize kisu's role in bringing this baby into our house, so she blames me for disrupting the balance in our family. the problem with that excuse is that this is not the first time she has said something like that to me. before i was pregnant, she had on at least two occasions said that she thought i didn't like her. perhaps at those times, it was a simple case of a young mind saying crazy things, but it still hurt like hell then, too.
this whole thing hurts twice as much because i pulled the same sh*t with my mother, only i was definitely old enough to know how it might affect her. i'm sorry , mom.