nana

tomorrow is nana's birthday. she'll have attained the venerable age of 83. i didn't send her a card and i probably won't call her, but i will talk to her and wish her a happy birthday. i figure that she'll get just as much out of that conversation as any telephone call. sadly, in my mind, the nana that i knew and loved is already gone. even though her body- her traitorious, dysmorphic body- still breathes in a nursing facility, her once sharp mind and fiesty spirit have long since departed this plane. i miss her.

i miss the nana who would tell ribald stories of her youth to my husband.

i miss the nana who would drop her lead foot driving down the road.

i miss the nana who would fiercely defend her origin as a British subject from "the North of Ireland".

i miss listening quietly but passionately to bagpipe music in her cramped apartment.

i miss you, nana.

i regret that i didn't treasure you more. i regret that i didn't collect and document more of your stories. i lament the fact that we cannot benefit from the wisdom you have gathered after all these years.

i hope that in your easily confused state, you are not afraid of where you are. of the strangers around you. i hope that your nearly extinguished memory which prevents you from recognizing your family members prevents you from missing those same people and feeling lonely because of it.

i pray that you will receive merciful deliverance from your agonies.
God bless you, Sadie.